My recovery is going perfectly. I feel great, absolutely no pain, and I can finally wear jeans again. (I was stuck wearing yoga pants for all this time). I went back to work full time this week. I feel great, except its been weeks and weeks since I have been in the office past 3pm – so I find myself super tired by 5pm. But I feel great otherwise so I think I just need to build my stamina again. I would say 2.5 weeks for a recovery time is pretty awesome.
Since my surgery I have been very aware of the people in my life – and the love and generosity they have given me. And its really impacted me a whole lot. I know I keep making jokes about this – but I really am serious when I say that I am a terrible friend. I am very hot and cold. I have fended for myself most of my life and I am super independent. The urge to push people away from me is a constant battle. The emotion that “I cant trust people” or “I cant count on people” is always just under the surface for me, waiting for someone to disappoint me. Which validates those emotions and then keeps that cycle going. So I have a nice long list of people who are “dead to me” because of this. You hurt me, you disappoint me, if you flake on me too many times – screw you, you are out of my life.
None of that is okay. You cant live life like that. I mean, what right do I have to cast such judgement on people when I am a way worse friend than they could ever be? Who do I think I am? I am so flaky and rude and judgmental. And yet I can still name 10 people that are in my life that (try as I might) I have not been able to get rid of, who have loved me through it all.
We will all most certainly be hurt by the people in our lives. We can’t look to people for constant affirmation, trust, security and love. Only God can offer those things. When people let me down or hurt me – I have to look to God for help forgiving and moving on. Because lord knows I sure expect forgiveness and grace when I screw up and hurt the people in my life (just ask my husband and Carolyn).
I have the best people in my life, none of which I deserve. It’s all very humbling. I am so grateful and I want to be that friend who sticks it out through thick and thin. Sometimes we assume that the best justice to teach a lesson is to withhold love or good deeds. But I am a living testimony… the best justice is showering a hurtful person with more love and grace.
To my friends: Thank you for sticking by me. I am so thankful for each of you.
Ginger in Training 